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Parents used to tell kids not to believe in anything the TV said and nowadays, parents believe in everything social media says.

6 minutes doesn’t feel like 10% of an hour

The old you is actually the younger you.

3am feels much more like the middle of the night than midnight.

Dogs don’t wipe, and then we let them go sit on our couch.

There is no way to weigh an erect penis

One unforeseen aspect of becoming a parent is that suddenly you are open to a whole new genre of nightmares that involve losing your kid.

Schools punish kids who defend themselves but won’t take care of the situation until it’s too late.

The acceptable number of exclamation points at the end of a sentence are 1, 3, and 5.

You have to hand it to corn. Just when you think you’ve figured out everything you can make from it, boom, it’s popcorn. Boom, it’s Frosted Flakes, boom, it’s gas for your car. We’ve only scratched the surface for peas.